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At 10:02:12 on 24.02.10, yarrawin wrote:
Hey everyone :)
I don't know if my situation is particularly normal, but I hope some people on here will have some constructive advice.
I love horses, and I love riding, but I've got years of built up fear that I just can't lose that has seen me grounded for a few years now (there are other circumstances affecting this as well, like lack of money). In that time I haven't even touched a horse, and I miss riding and horses so much.
My husband hates the idea of me riding or being involved in horses because of money problems horses have caused for us in the past and from dealing with my psycho horse when we lived in England... and because of the injuries I have accumulated and continue to deal with. He wants me to give up on horses for good but I just can't.
It all started when I was 8 and learning to jump. I had a pretty irresponsible instructor and in my weekly lesson he had us jumping in the rain. I don't remember much. I LOVED jumping, but this day it was incredibly muddy and slippery and every instinct was telling me that jumping was a BAD idea. He chased my horse into the jump because I refused to do it. Anyway, the horse approached the jump, slipped, did a huge catleap and was majorly off balance. I was thrown up and out of the saddle and apparently I came down straight on the jump rail (which was on top of a 44 gallon drum... pretty high for an 8 year old I think), and then the horse came down on top of me. I was unconcious and woke up to my mother screaming and crying thinking I was dead. I was in agony but I got back up, though I was terrified and I refused to jump again, but I finished the lesson. I have been terrified of jumping ever since, but I kept trying. A few years back I found out that at some point I actually broke my back and it went undiagnosed (it healed badly) and we think this was the accident that did it.
Two years later my parents bought me my first horse - a nutjob appaloosa (who was drugged and my parents were unhorsey and very naieve and we thought she was bombproof) - from the same instructor as above. Long story short, she didn't last long. We went to a pony club camp, the drugs wore off and I was terrified of her. At one point during that week she bolted on me and actually jumped back into her stall with me on her back (I smacked my head on the roof because I couldn't bail in time... pain!).
The next couple of horses I had were lovely and a real pleasure to own and ride but I had become a very cautious rider and the other kids at pony club often made fun of me because of it. I was afraid to jump and I remember doing a jumping school and sitting on my mare, Sugar, sobbing because I was completely terrified.
Every now and then my jumping confidence would go up and I'd jump for a while, have a fall and be back to square one. During one such incident I was on my ango arab, Chevy, who was an absolute darling, but I had overtrained in the run up to a competition. I won the unofficial class for my age so decided I was going to enter the official classes as well, even though the jumps were bigger. Well, I was going all guns blazing - the best comp of my life at that point - when Chevy decided he'd had enough of jumping. We had two refusals at the third jump in a triple, and I came back through for the last time and I completely missed the signs he was going to balk... I went flying through the middle of this big, solid jump. Ouch. I had another class to enter and bang, I smashed through another jump. Confidence shot.
I started finding success (and a real passion!) in dressage, and after a while my instructor said I needed a better horse. Again, we were ripped off and ended up buying a thoroughbred (through this instructor) who was seriously drugged up. When he arrived he was almost like a different horse and I quickly learned to be terrified of him, both on and off the ground. He would buck, bite, kick, bolt - on and off the ground. I couldn't even lunge him without him going completely mental and I had to have lessons to learn how to ride him so I could sit out his enormous bucking episodes. My instructor (who I never trained with again) refused to take him back unless we paid $50 a week board with no guarantee she would be able to sell him on (alarm bells!) so I stuck it out with him for years. Even taking him in the float was a nightmare (and resulted in many injuries) and at comps I became known as rodeo girl. No-one would come near us out of fear. I had a really nasty fall jumping when he suddenly threw in some major bucks just at take off point and was quite badly injured. Eventually I got badly enough injured that I was grounded for a couple of years (bucking after a jump... I didn't fall off but it put my hips out of joint and I have permanent issues now). I put him out to pasture for a few years and in that time he calmed right down, but the fear of all those years of crazy horse was engrained in me. Not long after I brought him back in he died, and when I bought a new horse I had to sell him again because I was too scared to even canter.
My next horse was amazing, but he ended up bucking me off and trampling me (it was very out of character - turned out he'd gone paddock sour) spectacularly and cracking my rotator cuff, breaking three ribs and damaging almost every muscle in my back. I had meant to be going to work in an itnernational dressage yard in Belgium and had to give it up because of my injuries.
I ended up riding again in England, but I never lost my fear despite my best efforts. For a while I was doing showjumping lessons and was going brilliantly... jumping over 1m and then one day out of nowhere I was terrified again. Nothing even happened, I was just scared.
Around this time I was also training in dressage at an olympic training facility. I formed an amazing bond with a horse there, who i had been terrified of initially. He was a huge, big, bolshy black stallion but for some reason I bonded with him. I did amazing things with Cosmos that I'd never done before, but once they put me onto a different horse I was terrified again. I decided I wanted to buy a horse and I bought a young friesian (and yet again was ripped off). He was lovely and quiet when we saw him but he was a lunatic when we got him back home and he never lost that. Everyone at my yard was petrified of him and no matter how much I needed it no-one would help because they were afraid of him. He bit, he kicked, he dragged, he bolted, he reared and bucked on the end of the lead, he struck out with his forelegs (which had been taught by his idiot previous owner)... he almost climbed out of his stable one night in a huge fit he threw and he would charge me in the paddock. I barely rode him and called in professional help. The vet suggested drugging him but I wouldn't do it. I was scared of him and so was my husband and everyone else. The last time I ever rode him he threw me face first into the frozen ground and I ended up with concussion. I rode a friend's horse maybe a year later (she took Joldert to sell him for me) and he was lovely but I was so tense and scared I couldn't do anything decent with him. I haven't ridden since.
On the ground I'm just as much of a mess. If a horse even twitches I run like hell thinking I'm going to get smooshed. I am scared to pick up hooves or brush tails (from getting the living daylights kicked out of me by the friesian). I'm afraid of loading onto a float or truck. I'm on edge ALL the time and I hate it. I want to get my confidence back so desperately but I just don't know where to start.
Sorry this is so long, but I hope someone has some good ideas that could help me. I'll do anything if it will help. |
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At 02:01:09 on 25.02.10, Sue862 wrote:
I think tere has been great advise so far, especially the reflection of past events in your life that flicka mentioned. In addition I would read every thread in this riding confidence group to start. Then start looking for a riding therapy program you can volunteer at to regain your confidence in "working around horses". If you find yourself to be nervous/anxious spend your time observing others; leading, grooming, and tacking the horses, until you feel comfortable, and getting to know the horses/ponies demeanor.Therapy horses/ponies are selected for their passive behavior. I too have lack of money issues, and one way to become involved in riding again is to volunteer your time at equine rescues,there always looking for help with all aspects of the horse.But until your confidence is built up you'll need to wait on the rescue's, as a good percentage of them have issues and you will need to have the confidence to be "in control" and therefor SAFE from anymore unfortunate accidents.Horses are unpredictable at times and you need to be "in charge" That is the attitude that keeps you out of trouble.... |
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At 11:32:03 on 25.02.10, wrote:
Hi Yarrawin. What a story of perseverance. It could be possible for you to regain your confidence: I have seen several people over the years who have regained their confidence after broken backs or other life-threatening injuries from riding accidents, so it is possible. You might be encouraged by Cilla's story on my website. Ironically, she suffered a serious injury while on a Western riding holiday in America. Obviously, yours is not a straightforward situation. I can understand your husband's resistance to your involvement with horses but this does add another dimension to the situation. Flicka is right, of course: your fears stem from your unconscious mind's attempts to keep you safe, and that's very understandable. However, there are many ways that you can "change your mind" and you sound very motivated to do so. It may be that YasandCrystal's ideas about driving might be a way forward for you. I do think it's important to be realistic about how much a "bombproof" horse can do for you, though. Your confidence and feelings need to come from within you rather than being reliant on external circumstances, and no horse can be responsible for that. All horses, even old "100% bombproof" ones, are flight animals and may react according to their instincts at times - it's what makes them horses! I would also pick up Flicka's point about learning from problems - and then letting them go. Don't think about them, don't talk about them. The more you think and talk about them, the more power they have over you. You have obviously come into contact with some extremely traumatised horses (horses don't behave in the ways you describe unless they are desperate) and I would love to be able to explore with you why that might be. Why did they come to you? It really does seem to me that there is a reason for these repeated experiences. Most horses are happy to co-operate with their human partners - you know that, because you've had a nice horse - and yet you have been visited by these horses in desperate straits and I do wonder why that is. Horses are great mirrors, reflecting our own internal state, and I wonder if there is anything there that rings a bell with you? Or it may be that you have something to give them, which you haven't yet recognised (no, not your sanity!). This forum is not the place to discuss deeper issues (IMO, at least), so I won't go any further down that road here. Please do read through the many posts in this group where I have given people lots of tips for regaining confidence. I have just done an interview with Karen Murdock, US based trainer of Lukas, the World's Smartest Horse. Karen has written a book about her experiences with rescued ex-racehorse Lukas who was so traumatised by his treatment that he was considered dangerous. The book is currently an e-book but will be published in hard copy soon and our interview is being transcribed for inclusion in the hard copy. Karen trains Lukas through fun and play and you might find the book very interesting. I feel that there may be more to this than "simply" regaining your riding confidence, but I hope that this has been of some help to you. Kind regards, Caroline
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